signs

I wrote about this before on another site. I've recreated my identity online. I think that I like this one. Fuck maybe I'll change them all to just being for me and I'll post Florida shit on the one and weird shit/political shit that I think that I want to see on the other.

Anyway, I tend to see things in bunches. I keep saying that when I see something I should write it down. Now that I have my note 2 with me all of the time I seriously should do that.

I've had where I saw yellow butterflies every day....now lately it is white ones. Then I kept seeing sanctuary...the word, sanctuary as we were looking for things.

Today my email from the secret reminded me that I should keep track and listen:

From The Secret Daily Teachings

You are receiving thousands of messages from the Universe every single day. Learn to become aware of this communication from the Universe, who is speaking to you and guiding you in every moment. There are no accidents and no coincidences. Every sign you notice, every word you hear spoken, every color, every scent, every sound, every event and situation is the Universe speaking to you, and you are the only one who knows their relevance to you, and what the communication is saying.

Use your eyes to see! Use your ears to listen! Use all of your senses, because you are receiving communication through them all!

nothingness...beautiful darkness

god i hate the whiteness of this fucking screen. i wish that there was this black void of nothingness that i could go to. just make time stop and i don't have to be anything to anybody. i don't have to worry all of the time about whether i said or did the right thing. i don't have to be responsible to anyone or anything. just be. just let the nothingness hold me envelope me. maybe then i could breath. maybe then i could just exit and not fee. not question. i wouldn't be right or wrong. i would be great or terrible. i wouldn't be happy or angry. i would just be

dark
invisible
filled with nothing
feeling free
because there would be nothing good or bad
just blankness.

Remember You Are Not Alone

Anxiety = Uncertainty X Powerlessness

Anxiety has two component parts.  It’s what you don't know and what you can't control. So anxiety equals uncertainty times powerlessness. 

I took the above excerpt and photo above from the article at this link. I only copied what had relevance to me. 

why do I feel guilty???

God....why do I fucking care or worry about what this bloodsucking child thinks of me. I know one of the thoughts is that she will do something to herself because she feels alone. But it fucking is ridiculous if she does...First, she chose to leave that night because she wanted to party and we told her that if she did then she couldn't come back. She had a choice and she chose to party and not go to school.
Second, once she found a place to live and earn some money, we tried to welcome her back at least for some visits and support and she continued to blow us off.
gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....I could go on and on but the bottom line is that it is a bunch of bullshit and she is a manipulative bitch that gets to me.
The entire point that the whole family has been saying to her for over a year now is your actions have to match your words.
Don't say your going to get your diploma and not enroll in any classes.
Don't say you need your documents and that it is everyone else's fault that you don't have them.
Don't say your going to school and then we get calls daily from the school that you're skipping.
You get the picture.
I don't know whether this person that B was living with is telling the truth or not, but she said that B had taken between three and four hundred dollars and not given them a dime so where the hell is all of that money. Buy your own fucking air ticket back.
But I already told B, that since she found her passport card finally...amazingly that she can be completely independent if she needs too.
She can get a job with just her passport card. That is all that is required for the I-9.
As far as her documents are concerned, she can go get her social security card with her passport card and health cards.
She can get her drivers license with her passport card, health cards, social security cards, and one item that shows her address.
She can get her birth certificate once she has her drivers licenses.
She doesn't need anyone.
She made the choice to leave. If she wants to truly be independent and an adult she could do it. She could. Instead she would rather be the victim and not move forward in any way but act like she is so down trodden. The truth is somewhere in the middle.
Her family is still willing to support her but just need to see that she is acting on something. Move forward and be responsible for yourself in some way...show that you are actually doing something...and you'll get back from us. We're not doing stuff just because you demand it anymore. You don't have to earn it. You just have to show that your a person of her word. Just do something.
The most ironic part is that her family is asking her to do something for herself. Why is she fighting that? Everything that has been suggested as a show of good faith to show that she is a person of her word only benefits her.
Enroll in virtual school so you can get your diploma.
Get your birth certificate while you're up north.
Amazing that somehow she can still play the victim when those are the requests.

Friendly

I don't understand why you have to do stuff with people if you are friendly to them. Can't I just be this character at work and be myself outside of work? Do you have to invite me to your baby showers and blah, blah. When you move on to another department or graduate and move do I have to continue the charade of actually caring about you. 

It's so weird because I like the people and I do enjoy them but most of the time I feel like I am doing something in order to achieve a goal....whether it's just to be more liked or to try to get myself to that next position or whether its to get you do be willing to do work that I really don't want to do. 

I have this weird dichotomy even in my home life where I really do feel things at times but there are times where I really just want to just be and watch. 

I don't know why B can manipulate me so well....she is the one person that I should feel the least for...the little bloodsucking bitch, but somehow I feel maximum pressure to check on her to get involved in her drama and feel maximum guilt when I don't come through for her. 

Of course right now is probably not a good time to really gauge my feelings with all of the stress and pressure from the outside world and buying the house, etc.
I just feel like I am going through the motions but it really wears on me when people want to do stuff outside of work. I even hate having to go through the motions of doing stuff with the family right now. I didn't want to go to celebrate BB's birthday. I over played the stomach issues part but most of it was true. I definitely didn't want to go to Divya's daughter. God what a farce.
I'll go with Divya this weekend and let her enjoy band but I'd much rather do nothing.
I don't want to call my mom to check on her stupid knees. I don't want to talk to this kid that I don't even know from that graduated from college and has called me a couple of times. I don't want to go to this chick's babyshower from work.
I just feel like I am in fucking limbo until the stuff with the house gets decided and we can start working and/or moving.
Do I want to be friends...........no, not really. 

My boss sucks

Sometimes I just can't stand my boss. Well it's more than sometimes but she is so fucking arrogant.  She keeps talking about how she is this English teacher and some expert but she shows again and again that she has a lot left to learn.
I hate that she bitches about MA using her native tongue and says that she only uses English but that is such bullshit. She talks to her husband all the time in Mandarin.  I think that it pissed her off that she doesn't know what MA is saying because she talks about us when she speaks to her husband.
I would use a secret language with Divya if I could.  Just to be able to say I love you.  Let alone when Divya asks is the bitch there?
Today JD sends back this email that I gave her a heads up on and totally goes a different direction than what the email even said.  Oh well when it comes up and bites her she can't say she wasn't warned.
And was is this throat clearing blinking eye thing that she does.  I have never understood that one.

Things that I love

While yesterday I complained that I wished that I had one place that could be my diary, my planner and my task list. ... I have to say that I just love being able to walk away from my office and not have any notes or papers accessible for JD to see.  Lock my computer and walk away and she has made it clear that she doesn't need or want to know where I am. 
So my stuff may be in multiple applications but it's with me.

quilts of time

I've decided that if I start to write something but don't finish it, I am going to still post the little pieces....I don't know if it will even be meaningful or able to be understood but I figure it will be like a patchwork quilt that shows bits of thoughts and ideas.

Modalities revisited....again

I have an amazing new tech device....the galaxy note 2. it is pretty much what i've been looking for/dreaming of for my life/organizing needs.

i mean in the reality is that in a perfect world you'd be able to have one place to keep all of your notes, your tasks, your pictures, your thoughts, your diaries, your drawings, your dreams, your prayers and on and on.

I currently am using papyrus, s-note, google keep, google calendar, gqueues, spring pad and blogger. they all work pretty well together but not quite exactly right.

so many people love evernote but I just can quite get it when i try to use it.

originally started on may 6th but i didn't finish it or find anything satisfactory.

Prayer to Promote Harmony in Relationships

Promote harmony in Relationships
Date:  Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Color of the day:  White
Incense of the day:  Cinnamon
Every relationship, whether with a family member, partner, friend, or coworker, has the potential for conflict. To bring peaceful energy into your relationships, think about any disagreements or other issues you're currently dealing with. Then, holding the image of those people involved in your mind, recite this: 

"May I always speak from my heart as well as my mind.
May I speak without judgement.
May I listen with compassion for myself and for others.
May I not be quick to react.
May I remember that I cannot control others, only myself.
May I treat others as I would like to be treated.
May I know when to stay and when to walk away.
May I remember that even when my peace is rejected, it still matters that I offered it." 
Carry the feeling of peace and compassion with you when you interact with these people.

nervous

I am feeling so nervous and jittery today. I don't know why. I am to work feeling determined. I don't have a reason to really worry. I have a list of things that I really want to accomplish and if I don't get the one part done today I can take it home and work on it over the weekend so that I am ok and/or ahead. I am taking some pills that I hope will give me a sense of peace and even euphoria.

I think that I get my emails done then I will be able to

What is real

B went back north today.  It was super emotional.  But now that I look back I find myself seeing the inconsistencies.  When she first left our house she told people that she was kicked out but of course she wasn't.  Now she says that the people that she was staying with kicked her out and suddenly she is going back north?
If you look back at her Facebook page she mentions that she might be having an early vacation.
Today she was starving but I found the entire bag of food in the trash.
She was going to take her computer and I saw her look back in her room but she left it there on her bed.
She made her dad run to get tampons but she left them all here.
She was kicked out but another friend had her passport and dropped it off at the person that she was stay with house.  N (the son from the previously mentioned house drops it off and wants to talk to B.

B said well there goes that excuse when she decided that she didn't want to go back.
She acted like she couldn't find her medical cards and wallet. Like the mom had kept them. I think it was another lie to stay.
She got on the plane and left.
The mom told Divya that B had been getting money and keeping it. B had been telling us that she wasn't getting any money or food.
I love and miss her but I don't know what is real and what is manipulation.