Friendly

I don't understand why you have to do stuff with people if you are friendly to them. Can't I just be this character at work and be myself outside of work? Do you have to invite me to your baby showers and blah, blah. When you move on to another department or graduate and move do I have to continue the charade of actually caring about you. 

It's so weird because I like the people and I do enjoy them but most of the time I feel like I am doing something in order to achieve a goal....whether it's just to be more liked or to try to get myself to that next position or whether its to get you do be willing to do work that I really don't want to do. 

I have this weird dichotomy even in my home life where I really do feel things at times but there are times where I really just want to just be and watch. 

I don't know why B can manipulate me so well....she is the one person that I should feel the least for...the little bloodsucking bitch, but somehow I feel maximum pressure to check on her to get involved in her drama and feel maximum guilt when I don't come through for her. 

Of course right now is probably not a good time to really gauge my feelings with all of the stress and pressure from the outside world and buying the house, etc.
I just feel like I am going through the motions but it really wears on me when people want to do stuff outside of work. I even hate having to go through the motions of doing stuff with the family right now. I didn't want to go to celebrate BB's birthday. I over played the stomach issues part but most of it was true. I definitely didn't want to go to Divya's daughter. God what a farce.
I'll go with Divya this weekend and let her enjoy band but I'd much rather do nothing.
I don't want to call my mom to check on her stupid knees. I don't want to talk to this kid that I don't even know from that graduated from college and has called me a couple of times. I don't want to go to this chick's babyshower from work.
I just feel like I am in fucking limbo until the stuff with the house gets decided and we can start working and/or moving.
Do I want to be friends...........no, not really.